My Journey to Motherhood

It's been so long since I've written anything on our bog. This is actually my first blog post this year. I've been trying to write this blog for 2 weeks now. Since this blog is about my journey to motherhood, I must confess that motherhood keeps me super busy. I have my schedule, Shawn's schedule and although Cree is only 8 months old, she has a schedule too. I've also started another business last November, Spears Accounting Solutions and I now have 8 small businesses that I work with as their virtual accountant. If you have any accounting, payroll, or bookkeeping needs, contact me (shameless plug :-))

When I was little girl, I often dreamed of being a mother as I cared for my dolls. My normal was a mother and father married and raising their children so when I would dream of being a mother, that is how I pictured it to be for me.
When I was 15 years old, I was hit by a car and hospitalized. I remember the doctors telling us that I may not be able to have children. Those words stuck in my head until I was 18 and got pregnant. I was faced with the decision of whether being a mother is something that I'm ready to do. At 18 I didn't really have a relationship with God. I believed that he exists and I joined the church and received salvation at 14 because that's what my grandmother told me to do so I wouldn't go to Hell. But I didn't know God for myself....only through the eyes of others and what the pastor preached on Sundays. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I was already in the yellow pages finding a place to terminate the pregnancy. That had to be hands down the most horrible experience of my life and haunted me for years. My heart goes out to women who have gotten abortions because I understand how you feel and the process that they use to terminate a pregnancy. I remember not being able to hear a vacuum without crying because the sound was a reminder of what I did. The next two years my relationship with God began to develop and the more I began to learn about God through his word, the more convicted I felt about what I did and how that was a life that I took at my own hands. I felt that way for many years and most of my adulthood. Until one Sunday while in church in 2007, the pastor told every woman who is haunted by the memory of getting an abortion to go to the alter. I wrestled with whether or not I wanted to go to the alter because I lived with the shame for years now and I never confessed it to anyone not even God. I tried to go through life like it never even happened. Then the Holy Spirit said you can either stay bound by this or you can go to that alter and get free. You have the courage and strength to do this Jennifer and you've been carrying this shame for far too long. So I went and I cried out to God and I felt so free! And I was shocked and comforted by the number of women, young and old who stood at that alter. I attend a "mega church" so there were thousands of women at that alter. It always amazes me of the things that we share as women and the experiences and things that we've been through but we keep it to ourselves instead of standing in our truths so we can be free and so it can free others. The word of God says in Revelation 12:11 that they over came by the words of their testimony.

So I received my freedom papers that day I vowed to always confess my sins out loud to God so that I can be free from it. So many times we keep it in and the enemy holds it over us and we walk in shame when that is not what God wants us to do. Romans 8:1 says that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. If you've read my very first blog post "He Called Me Back to Him," or my post titled "I'm Free," then you know that all of the relationships that I've had during my young adult life have been sexual relationships until I met Shawn. And throughout those years, I never got pregnant again. So in the back of my mind I believed that I was being punished for getting an abortion. I allowed the enemy to put thoughts in my mind that I would never be a mother. Fast forward to 2012 when I got saved for real and began the process of sanctification and pursued holiness....I remember while having my quiet time the Lord told me as clear as day that I'm going to be a great mother. I burst into tears. God told me that he would open my womb in his timing and that I would raise my children with a man that loves Him and that our children would know Him because of the example that my husband and I would set for our children. The very next month I went to my OBGYN for my annual and my doctor felt a couple fibroids during my cervical examination. She scheduled an appointment for me to have an ultrasound to confirm that they were fibroids and the amount that I had. I immediately went to Google (I don't know why we do this as women) and Google told me that I would have challenges getting pregnant and I may have to get a hysterectomy and everything that the Lord told me the month before went out the window because I went into panic mode from articles, blogs, and forums that I found on Google. When I went to the ultrasound appointment, the doctor found 4 fibroids and she told me that I have nothing to worry about. She told me that I didn't need to seek treatment that they were very small and she knew tons of women who didn't have challenges conceiving who have my condition. So that eased my mind. Fast forward to April 2014...3 months before our wedding. I scheduled an appointment with my doctor because I wanted to be put on birth control to regulate my period and so that my period would not be on my wedding night....Listen, at that moment I was abstinent for almost 3 years and I did not want anything to stop me from making love to my husband for the first time on our wedding night. Plus my cycle was super super heavy because of the fibroids. I would have to wear a tampon, a super plus maxi pad, two pair of underwear and tights or leggings during my monthly so I wouldn't have any accidents. It was that heavy! So during the visit the doctor examined my cervix and said that the fibroid seems a little large so she scheduled an ultrasound appointment. I go to the ultrasound appointment and the doctor tells me that I have 6 fibroids and that one of them grew. She said that after we got married, if we wanted children we may need to schedule an appointment with a fertility specialist. Well now that planted the seed that I could possibly get pregnant but it's going to be challenging. More lies that I continued to receive even though 2 years prior the Lord told me clear as day that I would be a mother. I prayed to God and he reminded me of what he said 2 years ago and that I should rest in Him. So that is what I did. We got married and by the way ladies do not get on birth control to regulate your cycle 3 months before you get married....do you know that the moment I took those pills my period would come on every other week for 2 months!! I immediately stopped taking them. My cycle came on 2 days before I got married HOWEVER, it went off on Sunday, July 20th...Hallelujah!!! LOL!! God is so faithful :-).

So I decided to give all of my anxiety, fears, and worries about getting pregnant to God. I told Shawn everything that my body was going through and he assured me that in God's timing it will happen for us. Then 2 months after we got married we went to our friend's Valencya and Jerrell's baby shower. My friend Valencya has had numerous miscarriages and she was finally pregnant and we were so happy to celebrate with them. At the baby shower, Valencya closed it out in prayer and she prayed for every woman in that rooms womb. That really sealed it for me and I just believed that in spite of what it looked like, God was going to do what He said He would do. Follow my friend Valencya on Instagram if you want to know more about her testimony @valencyathevisionary.

After three months of marriage, I got pregnant!! We found out in November of 2014 and gave birth to our beautiful Cree Victoria on July 17, 2015, 3 days before our 1 year wedding anniversary!! The Lord is so faithful. I pray that every woman reading this will give every worry, fear, negative doctors report, anxiety, hopelessness, negative thoughts and lay it at the feet of Jesus. If God made a promise to you, it HAS to come to pass. Don't let the enemy allow you to believe his lies!! He's a liar!! In God's timing He will open your womb. If you are not married, wait on God to send you your husband first. Looking back, I'm so glad that God kept my womb closed. I can't imagine being attached to some of the men that I dated in my past. I get to raise my children with a man after God's heart, who leads our family like no other, who pushes me closer to Christ, who has the same beliefs as me and doesn't just go to church but who is the church! I don't care how old you are, I'm 34 with 6 fibroids and I believe that God is going to open my womb again. Believe God, trust God, and Rest in God.

One last thing.....this book really encouraged me during my pregnancy and I wish that I read it before getting pregnant. You can purchase the book HERE. I want to bless someone who desires to become pregnant but having challenges by sending you a copy of this book. The first person to email shawnandjenniferspears@gmail.com gets the book!

Love you guys,

- Jennifer Spears